Of Broken Hearts and Paper Cuts
by Rift1
Summary: Lulu power trips, insane ultima-blasting - our favorite female Black Mage is plunked into the Anime World with a bass guitar and an author who never seems to stay sane. What happens next? Read - AND REVIEW!


=======================================================================  
I do not own any of the characters depicted herein or the song I just   
bastardized. Comprende?   
Gatekeepers belong to Gonzo, Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft,   
Vandread also belongs to Gonzo, Samurai X belongs to Nobuhiro, Keep   
Fishing is property of Weezer. I however own this fic. -Rift  
=======================================================================  
Author's note: Ohayo - or Konbanwa. Whatever. Another parody...you must   
be sick of this stuff already, eh? Well, tough. Here's another one, and   
I can't guarantee it's the last. I can, however, guarantee that it's   
going to get worse from this time on. A LOT WORSE.  
  
Still here? Well, let's just see you last through this....FLUFF.  
  
Scene: Rift's pad. The lights inside have all but burned out and so our   
Author and his companions, Lulu from FFX and the istuped Ukiya from   
Gatekeepers are fumbling about in the dark, trying to acquire   
instruments for the next video.  
  
Lulu:*fumbling* So tell me again why I can't just cast Firaga and light   
the whole place up?  
Rift: You'd torch the place.  
Lulu: And your point is...?  
Rift: Well, I -  
Ukiya:-would move to another, uncorrupted universe like a plague   
spreading into another town, like infection to another wound, sore to   
another sore-*WHAP* HEY! How'd you--  
Lulu: Magic. *huffs* Point taken. *begins to search blindly* I think I   
found something...  
Rift: Just watch out, okay? You might knock *CRASH*   
something...over...oh, damn it all to hell, LULU!  
Lulu: Oh, dear...Wait...um...there's something wet here, and...  
Rift:*facepalms* Reina's fishbowl. Shit.  
Ukiya: You are so screwed now, Rift.  
Lulu: I'll...er..just pay her back for it. Gomen na sai....  
Rift: No, no...don't bother. *sigh* Let's just move carefully now,   
hear? We've already got the lead guitar, the bass, another guitar...we   
just need the drums.  
Ukiya:*hands outstretched* I think I just founding something...they're   
round and soft, and kinda big....well, not that big...*squeezes   
experimentally*  
Lulu:.....  
Rift: Well, what is it?  
Ukiya:I don't know...*squeezes*...but I think it's...it's....*squeezes   
some more, then stops as a pair of purple eyes suddenly flare up in   
front of him, making him come to the conclusion that what he was   
holding was Lulu's...assets.* Uh-oh.  
Lulu:*clears throat* Ehem. Excuse me for the cliche, but.....HOW DARE   
YOU! HENTAIII!!*throws a chibi Seph-doll at Ukiya, knocking him over*   
Sephiroth Doll! *evil grin* SUPERNOVA!  
SephDoll:*laughs maniacally in a cute voice, waves his arms around and   
points at Ukiya* Sephiroth kill! Sephiroth destroy! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
Rift: Hey! I found the drums! Now we can-*stops as a star materializes   
in the room and suddenly begins to expand to critical mass* Oh, sh-  
  
*Interrupt Feed*  
  
Scene: AEGIS Headquarters, Far East. Alarm bells are ringing,   
ringing...probably because of the resulting Supernova Lulu caused. Duh.   
  
Shirei:*yelling over the alarms* ALL PERSONNEL REPORT TO THE COMMAND   
CENTER AT ONCE! OCHIAI! REPORT!  
Ochiai: Hai! Etto...a large quantity of energy was released 1.5   
milliseconds ago, Shirei...what do you think it could be?  
Shirei:*thoughtfully* It's....*dramatic pause*...them.  
Ochiai: Uh, Shirei? We just received a message from Kikai..it   
says...um...  
Shirei:*not looking up* What?  
Ochiai: Hai. *begins to read* 'Shirei. Today is the day we're holding   
invaders: how to be a monomaniac AND a psychotic deranged machine bent   
on world domination at the same time seminar. What the hell are you   
thinking? We were just handing out pamphlets and brochures when all of   
a suddenly some explosion sends my potential minions running. I swear,   
Shirei, if you're letting that Reina Chiharu loose on us again I'll   
wage war on you. Signed, Kikai.' *sweatdrops*  
Shirei: So...it's not them. That sucks. *sits back down* Well, where   
did the explosion occur anyway?  
Ochiai: Etto....at Rift's.  
Shirei: Oh. *shouts* FALSE ALARM, EVERYONE! EVERYONE BACK TO THEIR   
DONUTS!  
  
*Reestablishing Feed*  
  
Rift:*covered in soot* Oh, nice going, Lulu. Very well done. *coughs   
out smoke*  
Lulu:*also covered in dirt* Heh. *smirks at a charred Ukiya* It was   
worth it.  
Ukiya:*feebly* The agony...the...pain....  
Lulu:*dusting herself off* Well, my insurance'll cover you just the   
same.   
Rift: You better hope it does. *coughs* Anyway, at least the   
instruments are okay.  
Lulu:*helping Rift up* Well, let's go already. *snaps fingers*   
Sephiroth! Rinoa! Cloud! Squall! Front and center, NOW!  
Rift:*holding head* What are you shouting around for - GAAAH!!  
*Suddenly, Doll versions of aforementioned FF characters pop up from   
the debri like zombies, scaring the hell out of Ukiya and Rift*  
Lulu: Carry the instruments to the vehicle outside! Is that   
understood?!  
Dolls: HAI!! *Begins to carry off said instruments out of the room*  
Rift:^__^;;;;; Uh..okay. I'm afraid to ask, but....  
Lulu:*calls after the dolls* And try not to break anything this time,   
okay? *turns to Rift* What?  
Rift: Are they...um...you know...  
Lulu:*stares at him blankly, then laughs* Oh, no, silly. I didn't turn   
the entire cast into dolls just for my own use. *winks* I made them   
myself.   
Rift:*eyebrows raised* Really now...  
Lulu: Honto! You'd be surprised how much you can do with just some   
spare cloth, a needle and some string, not to mention stuffing. In   
fact...*takes a doll out of her bag and shows it to Rift* I've already   
done some author dolls. See?  
Rift: And who is this supposed to be?  
Lulu: Rift, I'm surprised at you. It's Raziel, remember? Your   
classmate?  
Rift: PAK the Sound of the Silent Sniper? *looks more closely* Nah.   
Doesn't resemble him at the least. See, you've left out the wings, the   
fangs...and his back is too small...  
Lulu:*examining her handiwork* Sou ka...well, I'll just make another   
one. You can keep it.  
Rift: I'd rather not. *throws doll away* Besides, I never believed in   
voodoo stuff.  
*in another part of the world*  
Raziel:*flying out his bedroom window 12 stories up* I'LL GET YOU FOR   
THIS, RIFT! GAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! DEATH FROM ABOOOOOVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!   
*CRASH*  
*back to Rift, Lulu and Ukiya*  
  
Rift:*sneezes*   
Lulu:*looks up* Tissue?  
Rift: Nah, I'm cool. *drags Ukiya along* Somebody must be insulting me   
again. *sniffs* Can't you get one of your dolls to carry this jackass   
around?   
Ukiya:*weakly* I'm not...dead yet...  
Lulu:*ignoring Ukiya* Gomen. All my dolls are indisposed right now. Why   
don't we just cremate him and spare you the agony?  
Ukiya: But I'm...not...dead...  
Rift: Dare ya.  
Lulu: How much?  
Rift: Twenty bucks.  
Lulu:*aghast* Twenty?! That's not even enough to buy me a roll of cheap   
yarn! Fifty!  
Ukiya:*wheezing* I'm...not...  
Rift: Twenty. Take it or leave it.  
Lulu: Cheapass. Fine. *begins to gather fire energy into her hands,   
sighs, and then flicks a small fireball at Ukiya's pants*  
Ukiya: But I'm...not..de-YAAAAH! *bats his hands on the flames* PUT ME   
OUT! PUT ME OUT!  
Lulu:*smiling cutely* Request denied. Gomen na sai! ^__^  
Rift:*wincing* Oooh. That has just GOT to hurt.  
Ukiya: IT BURNS! IT BURNS! HEEELPP!!  
Lulu: Shall I?  
Rift: Yeah. Quick. I don't want Ruriko getting on my case for trying to   
kill Ukiya again.  
Ukiya:*dancing around* Putmeoutputmeoutputmeoutputmeout---  
AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEE!!!  
Lulu: Oh, for heaven's sake...WATERGA!  
Ukiya: Putmeou-*a huge torrent of water falls on him, soaking him to   
the bone*   
Rift:*drenched as well* Um...that was a bit TOO much.  
Lulu:*wringing her skirt* So I got a bit carried   
away...eheheheh....*sweatdrops*  
Rift: Carried away, she says....*looks at a soaking Ukiya* Well, I hope   
you're happy, tapenose. We're behind schedule as it is.  
Ukiya: Just shut up and let's go- *looks at watch* OH SHIT! It's late!   
My date with Ruriko!  
Lulu:*shaking head* Uh-oh. Tsk tsk.   
Rift:*facepalms* Sutupiddo Inuteru. Go. Now. Before she comes and   
tracks you down like the dog you are.  
Ukiya: Warui. Gomen...*blinks* Waitaminute, why am I apologizing to   
you? It's your fault I'm late, and-*ZAPCRACKLEBOOM*  
Lulu:*A Thunderga spell crackling on her left palm* He said you can go.  
Ukiya:*singed* Er...Okay. Itte Kimasu-*gets hit by a lightning bolt   
right in the derriere* OW! *Runs*  
Rift:*raises an eyebrow at Lulu* Now why did you go and do that for?  
Lulu:*grinning* I'm a baaaaaad widdle girl.  
Rift:*blinks* Etto..hai.  
*awkward silence*  
Lulu:*sweatdropping* I didn't mean it that way. Hentai.  
  
*Fifteen Minutes Later*  
Lulu:*screaming at the mic, in front of a mosh pit that had suddenly   
appeared out of nowhere, all ajumping to the beat* AGENT ORANGE, GET UP   
GET UP GET UP - CREME DE ORANGE, GET UP GET UP GET UP - SHERBET ORANGE,   
YOU BETTER GET UP NOW-  
Rift:*tangled up in cables*Uh, Lu...  
Lulu:*continues to sing* I don't think you trust...in....my....self-  
gratuitous genocide...I...cry...when authors deserve to FRY!!!  
Rift:*yelling* LULU!  
Lulu:*stops* What? I was just getting into it.  
Rift: We're not here to parodise those songs. Besides, you don't want   
to ruin your vocal chords growling all night, do you? And...your   
rendition of Chopsuey...*shivers*...where'd you learn it?  
Lulu:*grins* Oh, that? Wrote it up myself. *waves to mosh pit* Gomen,   
minna. Show's over. Nothing more to see.   
Mosh Pit: Aaaawwww....  
Lulu: Wait a minute. *turns to Mosh Pit* You guys know what to do,   
right?  
Mosh Pit: Yeah!   
Lulu: Okay, here goes...*screams into the mic* PAK!!....  
Mosh Pit:...THE SOUND OF THE SILENT SNIPER!!! YEAH!!!  
Rift:*puzzled* Now what was that all about?  
Lulu:*grins* You'll see. *glances at watch* Three...two...one...  
*Suddenly, as if on cue...a large, broad-backed Polar Bear with an ill-  
fitting Vampire Cape appeared into the scene and began to eat some   
members of the mosh pit* Roar! Roar!  
Rift: Ow. Oh, no. That's got to hurt. *cringes*  
Lulu:*giggles* Oh, how I love doing that! Look, he's so adorable!   
Aww...  
Rift: Lulu, we may be of the same innate element, but....there are some   
things that should be debated. Especially your opinion about-  
Lulu: And now he's trying to pick the food out of his teeth with a   
rocker's femur! How cute!  
Rift:*covering his eyes* And now he's eating...oh, Christ. Call him   
off, call him off.  
Lulu: Oh, alright. *Fries the beast with a thundaga spell* Back! Back,   
vile creature! Back from the pit from whence you came!  
Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper:*Flips Rift and Lulu the finger*  
Lulu:*Ultima spell dancing on her fingertips* Don't make me use this! I   
mean it! Back!   
P.T.S.O.T.S.S:*grumbles, then walks away*  
Lulu:*calls* Oh, and...*casts Ultima at the retreating bear* ULTIMA!  
P.T.S.O.T.S.S: GRAAAAAAARR!!!! *Explodes* Why...why is it tragic?!?   
*disappears*  
Rift:*crosses the air before him* By the words of the Great Wolf Scribe   
Jeri- return to your beta editor...I mean your mother. Yeah. Amitabha.   
Amen. Assalam Aleikum.  
Lulu:*Blows smoke from the tip of her forefinger* Hah. I still got it.  
Rift: Evil. Evil.  
Lulu:*winking* And lovin' it. *shouting at the mosh pit* Hey! Um, to   
those still alive, please carry off your wounded friends to the   
hospital before you leave, 'kay? Thank you for listening!   
Rift: Heh. For all I know they were just checking out her rack-*gets   
fried by a Thunderga* Ow.  
Lulu:*eyes narrowed* I'll forget I ever heard that. Oh, look. Here   
comes our percussionist and Cameraman..er, woman.  
Rift: Percussionist? Now wait just a goddam minute -  
Milfeuille:*cheerily* Konbanwa! Milfeuille Sakuraba from Angel Unit   
reporting for duty!  
Mint: Soshite, Mint from Angel Unit here for camera duty!  
Lulu:*smiling* Well, you sure did get here fast. Got your gear with   
you?  
Milfeuille:*holding up gloves and a pair of drumsticks* Hai hai!  
Mint:*holding up camera* Check!  
Rift: Lulu! I thought I was going to play the drums!  
Lulu: No you're not. You're going to play Lead Guitar.  
Rift: But I don't know how to play Lead Gui-  
Lulu:*An Ultima spell sparking on top of her left hand* Do we really   
need to discuss this again, Rift-kun? Hmm? *stares pointedly at Rift*  
Rift: Uh...*takes Lead Guitar* LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!  
Milfeuille: Gambarimasu!  
Rift: Now cue title shot.  
=======================================================================  
* Of Broken Hearts and Paper Cuts *  
* A Weezer Parody Songfic: Keep Fishing(Lulu And Meilfuille Remix)*   
*By Rift *  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Scene: Morning. In the park. All intruments, although slightly charred,   
are ready for playing. Slowly, one by one the players come into the   
shot. Milfeuille waving as she sits on the drummer's chair, Lulu   
grinning as she slings the Bass guitar's strap over her shoulder and   
Rift sighing as he strums the electric guitar experimentally, looking   
wistful at the drum set.   
  
Rift:*begins to strum the song's first notes* This is for all of you   
who's never been in love before...to all who's been in love too - this   
is for you...you love sick puppies you.  
Lulu:*whispering* How corny.  
Rift:*hissing* Shut up.  
*simple acoustic guitar solo, then the whole band strikes up the song,   
Milfeuille miraculously not missing a single beat- then, Rift moves   
forward to the vocalist's mic and sings*  
  
Rift: I'll never be..  
the better guy-  
so I'll just leave  
this world behind..  
  
Waste my days..   
  
Milfeuille/Lulu:*second voices* Waste my days...  
  
Rift:*grinning* Sad to say...   
  
Milfeille/Lulu:*sweatdropping* Sad to say...  
  
All:*singing/playing in chorus/cymbal accompaniment*  
It's just the thought of you in love with someone else...  
*guitar riff*  
Breaks my heart to see you falling from your shelf....  
  
Lulu:*grabbing the mic*   
I know we'll never be-  
The perfect pair..  
But what you did-  
Was never fair..  
  
Waste my days-  
  
Milfeuille/Rift: Waste my days...  
  
Lulu:*grinning* Down the drain -  
  
Milfeuille/Rift: Down the drain..  
  
  
All:*singing/playing in chorus/cymbal accompaniment*  
It's just the thought of you in love with someone else...  
*guitar riff*  
Breaks my heart to see you falling from your shelf....  
  
*drum solo*  
  
Rift:  
Oh, girl I'm in love with you-  
Keep fishing if you know it's true!  
There's only so much that I can do  
To save - you from - yourself...  
  
Rift: Quick! Mint, cut!  
Mint:*offscreen* Hai! *fumbles for the switch*  
Rift: Well?  
Mint: Uh..gomen...I..can't find the pause...*fumbles some more* Ah!   
Here it is!  
Rift: But that's the OFF bu-  
*Rough cutoff, then black screen of death...I mean, disconnection.   
Then, the screen comes alive again with scene of Ruriko and Ukiya   
arguing in the park*  
Rift:*offscreen* Zoom in slowly. Let the camera focus...  
Mint:*a bit irritated* I know how to operate this camera, Rift-san...  
Ruriko:*fuming* I don't care! This is the fourth time you forgot our   
monthsary! What's next, my BIRTHDAY?! UKIYA NO BA-  
Ukiya:*tearing out his hair* And I keep telling you that it's all   
Rift's fault! He's the one who brought in that Black mage chick with   
all those dolls who did this to me!  
Ruriko: Black Mage 'chick', eh? *eyebrow twitching* And what does she   
look like?  
Ukiya: What are you talking abou- Oh. *grins* You're jealous of her,   
aren't you?  
Ruriko:*blushing* W-what if I am?! For all I know, you're just hanging   
with Rift for the sole purpose of seeing Lulu-san...  
Ukiya:*scratching his head* Look, we've been through over this   
before...besides, I don't fall for OLDER women..I mean, Lulu-san's ten   
years older than I am and-  
Lulu:*bursting in, wielding the bass guitar as a weapon* WHO'S OLD?!?  
Ukiya:*eyes bugging out* GAAAH!! LULU-SAN!   
Ruriko:*blinking* Nani? Lulu-san? *turns, then sees the camera*   
Ara...Rift-kun. Milfeuille-san. Soshite Mint-kun...*blinks* What are   
you doing back there?  
Milfeuille:*brightly* Spying, Ruriko-san!  
Mint/Rift:*sweatdrops* Ano...  
Ukiya:*sweatdrops* Uh...what are you going to do to me? Kill me?  
Lulu:*leering* Something much worse, I assure you. *hands Ruriko a   
photograph of Ukiya drunk with twenty of the Vandread girls* Ne,   
Ruriko-san. I found this in his wallet...I'm not sure how things are   
done in post-war japan, but in my country...er, timezone, I mean, we   
beat up our two-timing idiotic boyfriends with sticks until they pass   
out or die.  
Ruriko:*holds the picture in her two hands, twitching*   
K....Konno...*the picture tears into little pieces* UKIYA NO BAKA!   
BAKEROO!!! WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!  
Ukiya:*running* Oh, shi- *gets cut off as Ruriko chases him around Rift   
and his crew, firing Arrows of Light all the way* RIFT! I'LL GET YOU   
FOR THIS!!  
Rift: Hai, hai. Heard it all before. *yawns* And..begin!  
*guitar riff, then vocal solo as the song continues*  
  
Rift:  
Never did-   
get what you said...  
Never thought -  
we'd be just friends...  
  
Love and pain-   
  
Milfeuille/Lulu: Love and Pain...   
  
Rift:*curses as an Arrow of Light narrowly misses him*grrr...Down the   
drain-  
  
Milfeuille/Lulu:*cowers as a rain of arrows fly past them* Down the   
drain...  
  
All:*chorus/Milfeuille bashing the cymbals like a madwoman*   
It's just the thought of you in love with someone else...  
Wedding bells began to sound like graveyard bells...  
Ruriko:*shooting arrows like crazy* DIE, UKIYA! DIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!   
*SHEEN*FOOM*SHEEN*FOOM*SHEEN*FOOM*  
Ukiya:*crying* OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod..*Gate of Genocide arrow explodes   
mere inches from his position*...T-t-tasukette!!!  
Rift:*desperately trying to dial Kenshin's number on his cellphone   
while singing AND not getting hit*   
  
Oh, girl I'm in love with you...  
Don't say that you don't feel it too-  
I really can't get over you-  
And try - to save - myself..  
  
Lulu:*Captain Baker* Damn Krauts! Can't I have a moment's peace?!   
*gathers energy into her hands* Ultima! COVERING FIRE!!   
Ukiya:*Ultima spell explodes just inches from his position* HEY! WATCH   
IT! You almost hit me!  
Lulu:*grinning* Oops, sorry. Slipped. *charges energy again* I'll get   
you this time, Ikusawa! *wink*  
Ruriko:*grinning* Come! I dare you to! *wink wink*  
Ukiya:*sweatdrops* Uh oh.....  
*music stops*  
Rift: ...Hello? Kenshin?   
Voice: Iie. Vanilla desu.  
Rift:(puzzled) Vanilla? *makes cutting gesture at Mint again* Um,   
okay...fine...er...look, is Kenshin there? *covers mouthpiece* Mint,   
cut. No, really. Cut. *arrow explodes behind him* OHDAMNITALLTO -   
IKUSAWA! WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT THING, DAMMIT!  
Ruriko:(Gate Of Genocide/Angel Of Death Mode) *grinning* Sumimasen.   
*turns back to Ukiya* Obliterate....Eradicate...*Gate of Genocide opens   
before her*...Destroy.*giggles darkly*  
Mint:*shaking head, amidst Ultima and Genocide Arrow explosions*   
Such bad language, coming from you, Rift-san.  
Vanilla: He is...*noise in the background*...indisposed as of the   
moment.  
Rift: INDISPOSED?! But I need to tell him that -  
Vanilla: Would you like me to take a message, Rift-san?  
Rift: Fine, fine...write this down. Kenshin, Code 2319. I repeat, Code   
2319. Immediate extraction required. Location is Central Park. Code   
2319. Got that?  
Vanilla: Hai. I shall give it to him now-*cutoff as Kenshin takes the   
receiver* Rift?  
Rift:*pissed* Well, where have YOU been?!  
Ruriko:*firing arrow after arrow* DIE, UKIYA! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!   
BWAHAHAHAHA- Rats! Out of ammo!  
Ukiya:*dodges all projectiles* Ha ha! You missed me!   
Kenshin: I had something to do. Look, you said something about a   
2319...  
Rift: Yeah. Now. Bye. *turns cell off*  
Ruriko:*turning her head in frustration* Tsk. *shouting* Lulu-san! NOW!  
Lulu:*Black chi flaring up around her* May Yevon have mercy on your   
soul! ULTIMA!  
Ukiya:*sticking tounge out* You missed! You missed! You-EEP!*Gets blown   
away as an Ultima Spell explodes directly underneath him - and   
again...and again...and again...*  
Mint:*still recording* Etto...cut, Rift-san?  
Rift:*looks at Mint, irritated* Oh, no, no - I'd like it very much if   
we stayed here, right in the middle of a lover's quarrel - especially   
if the two lovers fighting has the two most destructive, chaotic gates   
in the whole world and we'd have the enjoyable treat of ending up   
getting CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE!  
Mint:*brightly* Wakarimashita wa!  
Rift:*facepalms* Remind me never to bet contracts with Angel-Tai when   
playing chess with Nomad...  
Lulu:*watching Ruriko mop the floor with Ukiya's head* Hey, wanna see   
something cool?  
Rift:*sighing* By all means. Go ahead.  
Lulu:*brushing back hair* I learned this from Yuna. Hope you don't   
mind, but... I summon you, Slayer of Gods! Tortured and most powerful   
Aeon of all! *chi explodes* ANIMA!  
*Anima summon animation ensues(For the unitiated in Final Fantasy X, a   
four-pronged anchor drops from the sky, pierces through the ground and   
lifts the Dark Aeon Anima up from hell by her neck)  
Anima:*roars as she begins to charge her Overdrive attack* PREPARE TO   
FACE MY WRATH AND FEEL INCOMPARABLE PAIN UNKNOWN TO THE LIKES OF YOU,   
HUMANS!! OBLIVIO-*sees Lulu* Oh. You. What do you want now?  
Lulu:*smiles sheepishly* Heheh. Gomen, but I need your help again.  
Anima:*folds arms(the big ones)* Fine...whatever. *grumbles* Kids   
nowadays. *vanishes, then reappears as an Anima Doll in Lulu's arms*  
Lulu:*holds doll out to Rift* Ta-daa! I have now the world's Goddess of   
Death to do my bidding! Isn't she just adorable? *hugs Anima to her   
chest* Look! She's trying to say something!  
AnimaDoll:*in a cute, growling voice* DEATH...WILL FIND YOU...ALL...IN   
YOUR SLEEP. SEYMOUR, DID YOU MAKE YOUR BED?  
Lulu: And that's not all she does! Mite! *Holds out AnimaDoll at   
Ukiya's direction* PAIN!  
AnimaDoll:*screaming* DIE! *Pain Spell blasting out of her left eye,   
hitting Ukiya dead on*  
Ukiya:*cringes, then realizes that nothing's happening to him* Are you   
kidding? I didn't feel a....AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! *begins to roll around the   
ground, writhing in agony*  
Rift: I want one for Christmas. Did you HEAR that? I want a stuffed SD   
Anima for Christmas...  
Lulu:*grinning* Yeah, yeah.  
Rift: So long as you do. *grins as well, then looks around* Wait,   
where's Melfuille?  
Melfuille:*covered in dirt and debri* Hai! Present!  
Kenshin:*appearing beside Rift* Well, I'm here.  
Rift:*sarcastic* Oh, great. And just in time, too.  
Kenshin: Well, you did ask for an immediate extraction. Where to?  
Lulu: Hey, Kenshin! How's things?  
Kenshin:*grinning* Everything's fine. *does a double take* Wait, is   
that an Anima Doll?   
Lulu: Hai! And look what it does! *aims Anima at Ukiya again* PAIN!  
Anima: DIE!  
Ukiya:*stops writhing* Haaah....finally...stopped....*Spell hits him   
again* Oh, shiiiiIEEEAAAHHHH!!!! THE PAIN! THE AGONY!! *writhes again*  
Kenshin:*astounded* Awesome.  
Rift: Got it! *turns to Kenshin* The Nirvana! Quick!  
Kenshin:*rolls eyes* Fine, fine...*a black gate opens beneath them,   
surrounding the group and the instruments*  
Ukiya: WAIT! WAIT! Take me with you!  
Ruriko: You're not going anywhere, you! *jumps at him* Kii-yaaaah!  
Milfuille:*cheerily* Bai bai, Ruriko-san! Ukiya-san!  
Lulu: Go get 'im, Ruri! *grins*  
Rift: My work here is done! Ja!   
*Everyone disappears, and black screen*  
  
*Fifteen Minutes later - No Video, but Audio Exists*  
Rift: Mint, you have the lens cap on. Here, take it off...  
Mint: I'll get it myself, thanks...*screen now floods with light, and   
slowly focuses into a shot of the Nirvana's Biological Garden*  
BC: Thank God you got here in time, Rift. As you see, the band never   
showed. And the girls can get pretty out of control when...um..you   
know.  
Rift: No problem, BC. Hey, Parfet, check the levels for me, will ya?  
Parfet: Right away, Rift.   
BC: What brings you here, anyway?  
Rift: Oh, you know. Shooting another Parody. Don't worry, we're in the   
last part.   
BC: And you're playing the instruments now, eh? Sasuga, Rift. At least   
you're not relying on studios anymore.  
Rift: I don't know. It seems so much easier in the studio. And much   
faster. *looks around* Hey, where's Dita and Hibiki? Usually I'd see   
them chasing each other around...  
BC: Oh. *shrugs* Well, ever since Misty came into the picture it wasn't   
just the same.  
Lulu:*showing all her dolls to a bunch of dread pilots grouped around   
her* This is Rinoa, and Squall, and Cloud...ooh, and Tifa. These kids   
took me a while to sew together. You know, fighting monsters and   
sleeping in tents wasn't quite the perfect atmosphere to start making   
dolls, you know?  
Rift: Well, okay. All's set. Speakers, instruments,   
instrumentalists...*gaze falls on the empty floor before the stage* Oh.   
Audience. Um, BC, we need a mosh pit.  
BC: Leave it to me. *shouting* All Squadrons! Ready for Civilian duty!  
*in a matter of seconds, the whole park is filled with dread pilots   
dressed in casual wear, some conservative, others...nose-bleed   
inducing.  
Rift:*applauds* Bravo, BC. Bravo.  
BC: Piece of cake. *steps off stage* Well, ja. It's your show. Knock   
'em dead.  
Rift: Hai. Arigato. *shouting at Lulu* Lu! Come on! Your solo!  
Lulu: HAI! *jumps up to the stage, and grabbing the vocalist's mic*   
People! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!  
Vandread Crew:*chanting* LULU-SAN! LULU-SAN! LULU-SAN!  
Lulu: Then I'm going to blow your brains to the back of this   
auditorium! One-two-three-  
*Music Begins, and the Vandread crowd goes wild*  
Lulu:*singing* Didn't think -  
Didn't try...  
All I did -  
was break down and cry......  
  
Lulu: Tears and rain...   
  
Rift/Milfeuille:...tears and rain...  
  
Lulu: Pin the blame...  
  
Lulu/Milfeille:...I'm to blame...  
  
Lulu:*waving her Bass Guitar like a weapon*It's just the thought of you   
in love with someone else...  
*guitar riff*  
Feels like I just got my ugly just deserts...  
*drum solo*  
  
Hibiki:*bursting into the scene* Hey, what's happening here? What   
the....*accidentally bumps and falls on top of the Bear Costume Girl*   
BCG: He....he....  
Hibiki:*apologizing profusely* Uh, gomen...gomen...  
BCG: He...Hent....  
Duero:*facepalming* Fire in the hole.  
Hibiki: Oh sh-  
BCG: HENTAIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*punts Hibiki upwards, making him   
land right behind Lulu*  
Hibiki: Oowww....my hip...my hip...*reaches upwards, and ends up with   
him groping Lulu's...derriere*  
Lulu: What? Again? I am SO sick of this cliches. *sighs* Very   
well....*swings her Bass guitar like a golf club, and hits Hibiki back   
into the mosh pit* PERVERT! GET AWAY FROM ME!  
Rift:*irritated* Focus, Lulu! Focus!   
Lulu:*turns back to audience* Gomen. Had a little pest problem there.  
Rift: Alright, last verse here...go!  
*music blares louder*  
All: Oh, girl you don't have to cry-  
All we had was a big old lie...  
Now why don't you just stay awhile-  
Before I say goodbye...  
  
*Final Drum Solo, in which everybody sings*  
  
Rift/Lulu/Melfuille: Waste my days!  
Audience: And get a job...  
Rift/Lulu/Melfuille: Waste my days!  
Audience: And get a job...  
Rift/Lulu/Melfuille: Waste my days!  
Audience: And get a job...  
Rift/Lulu/Melfuille: Waste - My - DAYS!!  
  
*Music Fades, and the audience applauds loudly*  
Rift:*waving* Thank you, thank you! No, you're too kind. Really. Thank   
you.  
Lulu: *grinning* Thanks, everyone! We're glad you liked it!  
Melfuille: Arigato, minna-san!! Please watch out for our next track!   
*grinning as well*  
Rift: And that's a wrap.  
Mint: Finally. I was getting tired of carrying this camera around...  
Lulu: So, any plans?  
Rift: I don't know...I think I'll stay here awhile. *Yawn* Besides, I'm   
tired.   
Melfuille: Me too....  
BC: Well, there are some spare rooms in Deck 9. You could probably rest   
there until tomorrow.  
Rift: Fine with me...*goes off*  
  
*Later, in Deck Nine*  
Rift: God, this ship is built like a maze..Deck Nine, room four. Oh,   
hey, Hibiki. How's the nose?  
Hibiki:*bandages currently covering his nose* Leave me alone.  
Rift: Don't take it out on me that Lulu struck you all the way across   
the Garden, Tokai. Now, can you tell me where Room Four is?  
Hibiki: Fine, fine...I think it's that room over there.  
Rift: Well, open it for me. I don't have access to it, you know.  
Hibiki: Do I have to do everything around here? Tch. *opens the door,   
only to find behind it is a Lingerie party, consisting of Lulu, Dita,   
Misty, Barnette and Meia*  
Rift: Well? Is it the right room?  
Hibiki: Uh....  
*As if on cue, three Ultima Spells, a rain of lasers, some .32 caliber   
slugs and a sword was thrown at the sole male pilot of the Nirvana,   
knocking him unconscious*  
Hibiki:*weakly* The....pain...  
Rift:*shrugs* I'll take that as a no, then. *heads back down to the   
garden* Oh, happy days....  
~Fin~  
=======================================================================  
Rift/Enishi Industries. Don't you just love us? 


End file.
